Stories, Jokes, Etc. Received From Emails

IF ONLY I WERE A GOOSE From: Petrus Aug 17, 2003

There was once a man who didn't believe in God, his wife, however, did believe, and she raised their children to also have faith in God and Jesus, despite his disparaging comments.

One snowy Christmas Eve, his wife was taking their children to a Christmas Eve service in the farm community in which they lived. She asked him to come, but he refused. "That story is nonsense!" he said. "Why would God lower Himself to come to earth as a man? That's ridiculous!" So she and the children left while he stayed home.

A while later, the wind grew stronger and the snow turned into a blizzard. Then he heard a loud thump. Something had hit the window. Then another thump but he could not see more than a few feet outside. When the snow let up a little, he saw a flock of wild Geese in the field near his house, apparently they had been flying south & got caught in the snowstorm.They were lost and stranded with no shelter, flew around the field in low circles blindly and a couple of them flown into his window it seemed.

The man felt sorry for the geese and tried to lure them into the barn. He opened the barn door and hoped they would notice the open door and went inside but they didn't. He tried to get their attention, but that seemed to scare them away further.

He went into the house and got some bread crumb & used them to make a trail to the barn. It didn't work. He got frustrated, went behind them & shoo them towards the barn, instead they scattered. Nothing he did could get them into the barn. "Why don't they follow me ? Can't they see this is the only place where they could survive the storm?"

He thought for a moment and realized that they just wouldn't follow a human. "If only I were a Goose, then I could save them" he said out loud. Then he had an idea, went into the barn, got one of his own Geese & carried it in his arms as he circled around behind the flock. He then released it.

His Goose flew through the flock and straight into the barn, and one by one, the wild geese followed. He stood silently for a moment as the words he had spoken a few minutes earlier replayed in his mind : "If only I were a Goose, then I could save them!"

Then he thought that was what God has done. We were like the wild geese, blind & lost. God had his Son become like us so that He could show us the way & save us. That was the meaning of Christmas, he realized. He understood what Christmas was all about, why Christ had come.

Years of doubt & disbelief vanished like the passing storm. He fell to his knees & prayed his first prayer : "Thank you God, for coming in human form to get me out of the storm!"

Don't judge a life by one difficult season.

There was a man who had four sons. He wanted his sons to learn to not judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away. The first son went in the winter, the second in the spring, the third in summer, and the youngest son in the fall.

When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent, and twisted. The second son said no--it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed, he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful, it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment.

The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but one season in the tree's life. He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season, and that the essence of who they are--and the pleasure, joy, and love that come from that life--can only be measured at the end, when all the seasons are up.

If you give up when it's winter, you will miss the promise of your spring, the beauty of your summer, fulfillment of your fall. Don't let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest.

A young man was at the end of his rope, seeing no way out, he dropped to his knees in prayer. "Lord, I can't go on," he said. "I have too heavy a cross to bear."

The Lord replied, "My son, if you can't bear its weight, just place your cross inside this room. Then, open that other door and pick out any cross you wish."

The man was filled with relief and said, "Thank you Lord," and he did as he was told.

Upon entering the other room, he saw many crosses; some so large the tops were not visible. Then, he spotted a tiny cross leaning against a far wall.

"I'd like that one, Lord," he whispered. The Lord replied, "My son, that is the cross you just brought in."

When life's problems seem overwhelming, it helps to look around and see what other people are coping with. You may consider yourself far more fortunate than you imagined.

YOUR CROSS

Whatever your cross
Whatever your pain
There will always be sunshine
After the rain

Perhaps you may stumble
Perhaps even fall
But God's always there
To help you through it all

May God give you the strength and courage to pass this along to everyone on your email buddy list....

My love and prayers to you all!!!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golf 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people Upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to Not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE. Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

In Phoenix, Arizona, a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia. Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination. Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up and fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible..The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dreams to come true.

She took her son's hand and asked, "Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up? Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?"

Mommy, "I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up."

Mom smiled back and said, "Let's see if we can make your wish come true."

Later that day she went to her local fire department in Phoenix, Arizona, where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Phoenix. She explained her son's final wish and asked if it might be possible to give her six-year-old son a ride around the block on a fire engine.

Fireman Bob said, "Look, we can do better than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll make him an honorary fireman for the whole day. He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards! And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform for him, with a real fire hat-not a toy one-with the emblem of the Phoenix Fire Department on it, a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots. They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix, so we can get them fast."

Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his fire uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck. Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven. There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls. He rode in the different fire engines, the paramedic's van, and even the fire chief's car.

He was also videotaped for the local news program. Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible. One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed in the hospice concept that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.

Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition. The chief replied, "We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes. Will you please do me a favor? When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over the PA system that there is not a fire? It's just the fire department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?"

About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window 16 firefighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room. With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they loved him. With his dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, "Chief, am I really a fireman now?" "Billy, you are, and the Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand," the chief said. With those words, Billy smiled and said, "I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and the angels have been singing.." He closed his eyes one last time.

Uplifting stories are one of the best gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards, let's continue to uplift one another. Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead tell your storm how big your GOD is. Please pass this story along.

There was a time when I thought my dad didn't know a thing about being a good father. I couldn't remember him saying the words, "I love you." It seemed to me his soul purpose in life was to say "no" to anywhere I wanted to go and anything I wanted to do. Including getting a car. Some parents bought their kids cars when they got their driver's licenses. Not my dad -- he said I'd have to get a job and buy my own.

So that's what I did. "I'll show him," I said to myself. "If he won't get it for me, I'll get it myself." I got a job as a busgirl at a very nice ocean-view restaurant and saved every penny I could. And when I had enough to buy my own car, I did! The day I brought that car home, my dad was the first one I wanted to show it off. "Look, Dad, a car of my own -- all on my own. If ever you want a ride, I'll only charge you five dollars." I offered with a smug smile.

"I see," was all he said.

One day, my father's truck had to go to the shop and wouldn't be ready to pick up until the next evening. So he needed a ride to work. "If that five dollar offer is still open," my dad said, "I'll take you up on it."

"Okay, but you have to pay on delivery. I don't accept credit."

"I see, " was all he said.

As I dropped my dad off I watched him, dressed in his work clothes and boots, getting his tools from the trunk of my car... I could tell there were more lines than I ever remembered being there before. I thought about it and realized how hard dad works for his family. My father was a cement mixer.

Watching him lift heavy tools from the car... there was something about him that looked a little more fragile than I recalled. In that instant, it occurred to me that he actually got down on his hands and knees to sweat over hot concrete to make a living for his family. And he did this day in and day out, no matter how he hot it got. Never, not once, had I heard him complain about it. Never had he held it up to his children as being some great sacrifice he made for us. I thought at how much he must love us -- so much that he's willing to do this hard labor in hot weather, and without so much as ever complaining or asking for anything in return. To him we were "worth" it. And never once did he "charge" us for it.

When he slammed the trunk...he walked over to my window to hand me my five dollars. I rolled down the window and said, "Good-bye, Dad. Keep your five dollars. It's on me. Don't work too hard, I love you."

At first he looked puzzled, then in a clumsy sort of way -- pleased. "I won't," he said, then added, "Thanks for the ride in your beautiful new car." His eyes met mine then glanced away in the direction of his waiting tools, he cleared his thought and said, "Oh, me too."

As I drove away, I knew "me, too" was enough because my father showed me his love with his actions, day after day, year after year. In that moment, I decided I'd give him a ride in my car anytime he wanted-- free of charge.


By Marie Parada, (age-18)

How true! After The Sept. 11th attacked, one company invited the remaining members of other companies who had been decimated by the attack on the TwinTowers to share their available office space.

At a morning meeting, the head of security told stories of why these people were alive... and all the stories were just: The 'L I T T L E' things . . .

As you might know, the head of the company survived that day because his son started kindergarten.

Another fellow was alive because it was his turn to bring donuts.

One woman was late because her alarm clock didn't go off in time.

One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike because of an auto accident.

One of them missed his bus.

One spilled food on her clothes and had to take time to change.

One's car wouldn't start. One went back to answer the telephone.

One had a child that dawdled and didn't get ready as soon as he should have.

One couldn't get a taxi.

The one that struck me was the man who put on a new pair of shoes that morning. , took the various means to get to work but before he got there, he developed a blister on his foot. He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid. That is why he is alive today. . .

Now when I am stuck in traffic, miss an elevator, turn back to answer a ringing telephone...all the little things that annoy me. . .

I think to myself, this is exactly where God wants me to be at this very moment...

Next time your morning seems to be going wrong, the children are slow getting dressed, you can't seem to find the car keys, you hit every traffic light, don't get mad or frustrated;

God is at work watching over you. . .

May God continue to bless you with all those annoying little things and may you remember their possible purpose.

A man went to a barber shop to have his hair and his beard cut as always.

He started to have a good conversation with the barber who attended him. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

Suddenly, they touched on the subject of God. The barber said: "Look man, I don't believe that God exists as you say so."

"Why do you say that?" - asked the client.

"Well, it's easy, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God does not exist. Oh, tell me, if God existed, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be no suffering nor pain. I can't think of a God who permits all of these things."

The client stopped for a moment thinking of what to say but decided not to respond so as to prevent an argument. The barber finished his job and the client went out of the shop.

As soon as he left the barber shop he saw a man in the street with a long hair and beard (it seems that it had been a long time since he had his cut and he looked so untidy). The client re-entered the barber shop and said to the barber:

"Know what? Barbers do not exist."

"Why do you say that?" -asked the barber. "Well, I am here and I am a barber."

"No!" - the client exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did there would be no people with long hair and beard like that man who walks in the street."

"Ah, barbers do exist, what happens is that people do not come to me."

"Exactly!"- affirmed the client. "That's the point. God does exist, what happens is people don't go to Him and do not look for Him that's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

When I was 20 and still in college, I worked for a large chain store where jewelry was their main product. At Christmas time, it was understood that when the jewelry department got busy, and because that's where the greatest margin of profit was, that all available employees were to help with sales in the jewelry 'pit.' We were all trained to work the counters, but we got a minimum percentage of commission compared to the regular salespeople's salary and commissions.

This one evening, the customers were three deep all around the four sides of the jewelry counters. One by one we served the customers and it finally got to a manageable group in about two hours. Some of my coworkers were tired and wanted to go back to their departments. Some were allowed to leave, but I was asked to stay and finish helping our customers find the jewelry that they were shopping for.

As I was just about to walk my current customer to the registers so that she could checkout, I caught sight of a VERY large man in just filthy overalls. He was muddy and he smelled! When I returned to the sales counter, all of the other college students that were there working were whispering and giggling and not very discreetly. I asked them what they were whispering about. And they pointed to the man at my section of the counter. I told them not to be so mean. He might be able to hear them. I told them to have the Christmas spirit and be nice. "Because nice matters."

They were still giggling as I went to see how I could help him. When I got to him, he really did smell. It was pretty bad, but I figured he really wanted something as he had waited a long time. He thanked me for coming to him and asked to see a $40,000 aquamarine and diamond ring in the case.

Gasps and more giggles exploded from my coworkers when they heard what he had asked to see. The man and I BOTH heard the comments that they made. I was embarrassed for him and I wanted to just evaporate to escape this truly uncomfortable moment.

He apologized to ME, saying he had heard what they said before I came to help him, and he had heard what I told them, and he was so sorry that he did indeed stink, and that he must look a sight. But he said he was really pressed for time, as he had been in the field all day turning soil, and that his wife of 20 years had mentioned a ring she had seen in our case that morning.

He really wanted to surprise her with the ring because she had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. He wasn't quite sure which ring she had seen, but he wanted to get to the store as soon as he could in case the ring would be sold before he could buy it for her.

I knew the ring was $40,000, but I'm not so sure he knew how much it was. By the description, I knew exactly what ring he wanted to see. I assured him that this was the only one that would match what he was repeating from his wife's description. I told him the price and he swallowed hard.

When he finally spoke, he again apologized for his attire and aroma, and asked if I could gift wrap it for him. I told him that I could, but we would have to go to the register and pay for it first. He said "Okay."

I asked if it would be cash or charge. More giggles from behind. Comments that I had wasted my time on this sale. Laughing. It was very embarrassing. Then as he put his hand in his pocket, he said, "Cash."

Oh, you wouldn't believe the exclamations of disbelief from my coworkers. The whole floor by now had gotten wind of this very large, unkempt man trying to pretend he was going to buy a ring that he probably didn't realize that it was so expensive. The comments from EVERYONE around the area were so painfully embarrassing.

That poor man! Well, he and I walked over to the register and had to wait until the patron ahead of us was through.

He thanked me again for being so patient with him and that he was again sorry that he looked such a mess.

When the cashier saw the amount to be rung up, her eyes got as big as golf balls!

She asked me if it was a joke. I said no and that we would like to hurry as the man had a long drive back to the country and he wanted to get home as soon as possible.

She rang up the sale, and with tax, the man presented her with 42 - $1,000 bills and 4-$100 bills. Exact change, he said, to make it easier on the cashier.I was nervous that it really was happening. I was upset that it was happening. I was elated that he could make it happen. I was angry with my coworkers that they were so judgmental.

This very thoughtful and thankful man was the brunt of their jokes. And he leaned over to me and said, "So, the jokes on them, huh?!!" And with that, he pressed into my hand two one-hundred dollar bills!!

He said he wanted me to have it because I was the only one who had not made a snide comment, and I was very pleasant to him even though he knew he wasn't very presentable. And as he repeated my quote from earlier, he directed his eyes to the now-drop-jawed coworkers and boomed the comment, "BECAUSE NICE MATTERS!"

He winked and said, "Let's get this wrapped, so I can go home to my bride of 20-years."

I was so happy! Not only did I get a 1% commission on this sale, but also he had sweetened the pot by another 50%. So, I made the biggest, prettiest gift-wrapped package that I could! He thanked me again, shook my hand, and left, and I never saw him again.

This story has stayed with me for over 20 years. It's one of my favorite memories. Not because of the money, but because we formed a pact, a camaraderie, against what was bad, and we proved it to be good to do the right thing. We all learned a lesson from this night. My coworkers were VERY eager to help ALL customers after that night. Never judge a book by its cover, and remember that being nice does matter!

"But the LORD said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at the height of his stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.'"